COMPUTATIONAL CHEMISTRY

COMPUTATIONAL CHEMISTRY








How to make sense out of all these things; even worse, to write a report?

I don't like computational chem.

Gra-cie!!!

GRA-CIE!!!






Meet Grace - my youngest cousin at 14months of age. The one who couldn't stop crying the other time she came to stay over during the weekend 1month ago. Last weekend, they came visiting. Both my Mum and Aunt comment that as a baby, Grace and I have a common habit - and that is, pouting.

Grace's starting to smile at me; which is joyous news, because it is such a stark contrast from before. I was so terribly alarmed and shocked out of my skin when she BURST INTO TEARS the moment I sat myself beside her on the sofa last month.

Check out those cheeks!

She is just so adorable!
Awww...

LAMENT

LAMENT


Late this evening before heading out to Clarke Quay, while chatting online, E shared with me the grim news of his mother's condition. Lack of better things to say, my replies were mostly made up of, "Oh...", "Hmmm...", "Oic...".

It absolutely has nothing to do with indifference or lack of empathy. Rather, I hate to say things when I don't really mean it. Just like making apologies, I would rather die die also not say "Sorry", rather than to say it just for the sake of obligation while not really mean it 100% from the bottom of my heart.

The same principle applies to comforting words too. It's one thing to be tactful and straightforward, but it's totally another to sugarcoat things over and say niceties out of obligation.

To someone who presented a piece of shabby work that's obviously lacking of effort, I won't say, "WOW! That's fantastic! It looks good; and I'm sure you can do something even better the next time round!" when my heart thinks it's a piece of junk.
To someone who just had a failed relationship, I won't say "Ohhh... I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel sorry for the breakup." when I think relationships which are - in the first place - just not meant to be; then the earlier it ends, the better.
To someone who has failed a test due to pure laziness on his/her part, I won't say "Ahhh... Tough luck. I agree, the paper was a killer; but I'm sure you'll do better the next time round."

Similarly, to this friend whose mother is in a critical condition, I honestly know not what to say. I have a feeling he has had more than enough of comforting words from friends. I told him directly, "Honestly, I don't know what to say... But please feel better soon." He replied, "It's okay. Sometimes, silence is golden. It's the best."





I wonder, in a situation such as this, what is one supposed to say?
Don't worry? - If someone tells me these words when my own mother's in deep coma, I'll clobber that insensitive jerk up and skin him/her alive.
She'll get better? - Who am I? I'm not God. Who am I to dictate that she'll get better when I don't even have the power to determine what will happen to myself the very next second?
Don't brood too much? - If it's my own parent lying in the hospital, it'll be the only thing on my mind.
Don't be sad? - You dim wit. How can I not be sad?
It's ok? It'll be fine? - No, you jerk. It's my parent, and that's my parent lying in hospital in a bad shape, and it's NOT fine.

Although at times, in the course of consoling, it's inevitable to say soft and cheesy things because it'll make the receiver feel better; but the rigid me doesn't do so - because I would rather not speak anything, than to say things which I don't truly mean from my heart 100%. Words which are not spoken from the bottom of the heart are, in my personal opinion, superficial. And superficial words are pure rubbish, and a total waste of time. I would rather hear nothing, than to receive superficial words. Superficial words are just so patronizing and, not to mention, totally demeaning to friendships.





Coincidentally, E's birthday falls on the same day as PH's. While at TCC, I can't help but to lament - in irony - at how starkly different things are. Both are celebrating birthdays; but E, surely, must be feeling horrible.

Midway through our TCC dinner, I thought back of our online conversation a few hours ago. Guilt tugged at my heartstrings. Flicking open my mobile phone, I had the intention to send an SMS. I typed. Then erased. Then typed back again. Then erased again. What do I say? What should I say? Happy Birthday? Enjoy this special day of yours? Don't worry? Certain things we have no control over? There's a time and season for everything? Don't be sad? Jiayou?

I typed again. And erased again. And typed. And erased. In the end, after staring at the mobile phone screen for 15 agonising minutes, the SMS was not sent out. I decided to call instead, but got the voice mail.

I realized, I'm totally horrible at consoling people.





It makes me feel bad.

GOT CA TEST ON TUESDAY


In mugging mode.

1) A mixture of CaO amd CaCO3 is analyzed. The thermogram shows one reaction between 500degree Celcius and 900degree Celcius, where the mass of the sample decreases from 125.3g to 95.4g. What is the percentage of CaCO3 in the sample?

2) Compound A has a molecular weight of 98.4g/mol and a heaf of fusion of 1.63kcal/mol. Compound B has a MW of 64.3g/mol and melts at approximately the same temperature as Compound A. Samples of 500mg of each yield DTA peak areas of 60 and 45cm squared respectively. What is the heat of fusion of Compound B?


Instrumental Analysis II. Siao.

You tell me, how to solve bombastic questions like those above-mentioned? You tell me, you tell me?!?!

OF DREAM AND TIME


Of late, dreams are beyond sweet. The other night, I dreamt of Big Daddy talking. Then, just the other day, I dreamt of undergoing LASIK (SO TEMPTING! Am financially able to get one now. But it'll be so unwise and risky; in the sense of living from mouth-to-foot for the months to come. SO TEMPTING! SO TEMPTING!!!). Last night, I dreamt of attending DBSK's concert (OHMYOHMYOHMY!!!). AND they noticed me from amongst the crowd, and TALKED to me after the concert ended, and ASKED for my contact information. AHHH!!! *going crazy! Siao liao siao liao siao liao!!!*

Ought to sleep more. I really like dreams these days. Who knows, maybe tonight, Andy Lau (so charismatic!), Kim Chi, Coffee Bun, Tiong Bahru Chwee Kueh, rice dumplings, and mushrooms (of all colours, sizes, kinds, and varieties) will appear in my dream.





Maybe it's fault of the lovely dreams, or maybe it's the holidays, but my biological clock is terribly messed up of late. Last night, I slept at 4am plus, and woke up at 7.45am for breakfast. As soon as breakfast was glupped down, I immediately missiled back to dreamland again; only to wake up at a ridiculous 1.30pm. Eat your hearts out, all you working adults and schooling students.

That aside, lately I've been wondering how good a steward(ess) am I of my time. How well am I investing my daily 24hours? Am I optimizing them? Am I making good use of the 1week of mid-term break? Save for last Friday and Saturday - when I had a fruitful and enjoyable time going for a movie and BBQ - I've been idling around like a sloth since Sunday.

The 1week of mid-term break has been great thus far. With the free time available on hand, I'm able to do things which are normally not possible during school days. Just this late afternoon at 3.30pm, I was folding laundry in the parents' room. After which, I went to the kitchen to help Dad with dinner preparations. And I was just thinking, how much longer would I be able to do such things which others often take for granted? On normal schooling days for this semester, the earliest I would reach home is 6pm. By this time, the laundry would have been folded, and dinner, cooked. To make things worse, due to hectic working schedule, my parents sleep really early at around 8pm. Of course, having tuitions to give on Monday and Thursday nights, and Saturdays being totally occupied, certainly do not help things.

How good a steward have I been of my time? Oh gosh, and I woke up at an embarrassing 1.30pm today! True, despite waking up this late, I still got the chance to fold the laundry and cook dinner. And it makes me glad, because I feel happy doing these things. Doing acts of service is heart-lifting. I feel happy being useful.

But it doesn't deny the fact that waking up at a shameful 1.30pm implies that an otherwise fruitful day has been half-wasted. Even though I still make good my day by being useful around the house, at times I feel like a massive, lumpy mass of adipose tissue. The brain, too, feels rusty.

Don't get me wrong; holidays are great. I've always a rather homey person. Rather than going out, I prefer to hide like a hermit crab, slurp a nice warm cup of coffee, take a nice refreshing break from the killer lecture notes, grab some nice books, do some nice reading and acquire new knowledge, or catch some short naps.

Going out? It requires money! I've long weaned off my parents. My only source of income is what I'm willing to work for my own keep; and there's only this much of tuition workload to take on without compromising my own studies (2 FULL HOURS of traveling from home to campus and vice versa! PUI!!!) and getting priorities all wrong. Go out? There are the monthly ILP premiums, bus concession, transportation, food, purchasing of books, shopping etc to pay for. The ILP premiums and bus concession alone already cost $200 per month! I would very much rather save whatever possible remaining surplus from MOE and tuition income for LASIK.

I would rather be at home, honestly. It's totally fine for me. Save money, and can spend time with family. I LIKE!

And if I really do go for PGDE in January next year, I'll apply for a hostel. If I really do get allocated one, chances are high that I'll only be at home only during the weekends. And just the thought of this forms a lump in my throat. How much longer would I be around the house? How much longer can I bond with my family, other than the weekends? How much longer can I fold the laundry? How much longer can I chat and bond with Dad while cooking dinner? How much longer would I get the luxury of enjoying home-cooked dinner? And knowing myself as one who is not bothered with personal meals, chances are I'll stock up loads of instant noodles and tidbits (more economical than eating out, you know?) in the hostel and munch on them when the stomach gets hungry enough. It's an old, irritating habit of mine to eat not because it's time to eat. I wonder how would I fare living on my own. Predictably, my parents would be cooking up a storm every weekend, would not fail to nag each week about how I'm appearing thinner and thinner (only, in their eyes), and stuff food down my throat like a rubbish bin. Oh man, I can visualize it all already. They did exactly these things when the elder brother went for NS.

Arrggghhh! If I really go for PGDE in January and get allocated a hostel, then, time is really short. It's already the end of September! How much longer would I be around at home? AND to think that I'm STILL sleeping until 1.30pm! OHMY! I've really got to start being a good steward of time! And what happened to the supposedly jog-once-per-week promise? Aish...

NOT A MOMENT'S HESITATION


Last Thursday night, after ending the usual tuition session, I dropped by the convenience store near my student's place. I have a CA test the next day. Reckoning that burning the midnight oil is something inevitable, I decided to purchase some snacks to keep me through the night.

The range of variety was not really fascinating. I was feeling unjustifiably robbed of choices when, out of the corner of my eyes, I SAW THESE PACKETS OF KOREAN! CRISPY! SEAWEED!!! BISCUIT! SNACK!. I was exhilarated. It's seaweed! It's crispy! AND it's Korean!


The price was really reasonable, too! To make it even more enticing, it was on a 20% discount! Gleefully thanking my lucky star and grabbing a Hot and Spicy flavoured packet, I made a beeline for the queue. The queue was long, and slow. I took a look at the time. I need to study...


Just there and then, out of old habit, I flipped to the back of the snack packet and read its expiry date. Then I checked the nutritional contents. Then I looked for the place of manufacture.

AND I GULPED.


No hesitation was needed. Without a moment's thought, I left the queue, went back to the shelves, and plonked the packet back to its original place.

Sigh!

Call me paranoid if you wish so; I don't really care. I'm the one who's ultimately responsible for my own health. And no! way! am I - while fully aware of the place of manufacture - going to pop into my mouth consumable products which are made in a country which is, very unfortunately, renowned for producing White Rabbit milk sweets tainted with formaldehyde and milk formulated powder containing melamine.

No wonder it was on discount lah! Chey!




--------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, on Friday, I nearly fainted in school. What a close shave! It was a dreadful experience.

The last time the headache occurred was last Sunday. While in the middle of the service sermon, the headache started to act up for no reason. I've this thing against Western medication. Deciding firmly that it shall be the last time that I rely on Paracetamol to numb this series of headache, I popped down one of the prescribed pills given by the campus doctor last Thurday. After lunch at the Airport, LT and I took the same bus home together. Maybe it was the drug; I was completely and utterly lethargic. I really tried very hard, but only lasted half an hour before falling asleep and totally conking out on the bus while cruising along TPE. I was a bad and boring company to have that day.

The following week after, the headache sort of mild down. And I thought that it's the end of it all! But on Friday, it came back all of a sudden. In full force, no less! I was on the train to campus, on my way to take the CA test, when my head started throbbing painfully again for the first time that week. No words could aptly describe the excruciating pain. It hurt so terribly; I regretted making that die-die-also-not-going-to-eat-Panadol-again-until-I-recover vow on Sunday, and regretted weaning off the medication so early after only 2 days. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, but I managed to complete the CA test - comprising 11 SUPER-LONG QUESTIONS on ORGANIC CHEMISTRY (SCREAMS!!!), all in the span of a grueling 1 and a half hours.

The paper ended at 4pm. As plans for a movie (Mamma Mia!) with some friends were already pre-arranged a few days ago, I popped by the Science Library with N to photocopy some reference materials in preparation for another test next week. Besides, it's the only chance to do it. Confirm-plus-guarantee-plus-chop I won't be in school during Recess Week.

After having photocopied what was needed, we were about to get out of the Photocopying Room when my brain suddenly threatened to shut down. My limbs started to refuse to corporate. I could hardly stand upright, and had to lean slightly on the photocopier machine for support. I was starting to see bright spots. The feeling was just so horrible. And, just like magic, my nose started leaking all of a sudden. This is all so strange! My nose has been perfectly well all week! Maybe the doctor was right, afterall. Everything is because of the stupid nose.
My body was icy cold, but I was breaking out in sweat. In the air-conditioned library, I broke out in sweat.

Using the photocopier machine as support by propping myself up on it by the elbows, I bent my head over slightly, hoping that this would encourage more blood flow to the brain (I know I know, squatting down would be more effective). In the bent position, the watery mucus was threatening to flow out. I sniffed it in repeated. After a few steps, N noticed that I was not following her. Looking back, she called out, "Eh? Aren't you leaving with me?"

At her voice, I snapped back up and turned to face her. "Yea, I'm coming." I replied. Turning back, I looked at my bag and files, and the thick reference book which was loaned from the RBR desk under my name. I felt a wave of despair; I felt so defeated. Move it, I commanded, move it. My arms felt like heavy lead.

Reluctantly, I picked up my stuffs. For fear of missing my step, I held on to the staircase railing. We got to the ground level where the exit is located. By then, I really want to sit down. Handing the library book to N and asking for her help to return it to the RBR counter, I told her to leave first; and that I would be spending time here in the library as I've arranged to meet some friends later at 7pm.

I easily found an empty study table, and was only too glad to plonk my stuffs onto the table. Crossing my arms and burying my head in them, I prayed silently in tongues and perspired like a giant slug.

Everything was so horrible. I was near tears. The throbbing head hurt terribly, the muscles were pricky and limb, the body refused to corporate, and the brain kept irritatingly threatening to shut down. It cost so much - both physically and mentally - to keep it all together. For a moment, I thought, allowing myself to faint would be a much more easier path to take. Burying my head deeper into the groove of my crossed arms, part of me wanted to cave in and cry. I nearly did. For just a split second, I really did. Just there and then, I wanted so badly for the medication. If only I had not wean them off so prematurely after only 2 days. If only I had taken the medication for a few more days. If only I didn't leave them at home this morning. If only I have them with me now. If only I have the ability to teleport them over from my house to where I am now.

I rested there for about half an hour. Still feeling somewhat feeble and queasy, I wondered what to do next. I thought of the past few days, trying to pinpoint what went wrong. Maybe it's because I only slept a few hours the night before, and had not eaten anything until now; and to add on, I'm still not fully recovered from the recent bout of poor health. Blood glucose, I decided, maybe it's blood glucose.

I contemplated the Science canteen. It's not far from the library. But I was having doubt of being able to reach the canteen in one piece. The last thing I want was to black out completely, and get carted off to the very-nearby NUH by helpful, enthusiastic strangers. It'll be so exagerrated and malu. But still, surely I can't hide out in the library for long; it's not a solution. If it's really indeed blood glucose, then food is the answer. Reaching into my bag and taking out my water bottle, I took a small sip. Chances, I decided. Just take the plunge. No pains, no gains.





Thank goodness, I reached the canteen.

I don't want to have a single headache ever again.
Let this bout be the first; and the last.

HELLO, RECESS WEEK!


One week of break!

MAMMA MIA!


I like musicals.

It's worth watching! Musicals are absolutely great!

FIRST THOUGHT THAT COMES TO MIND


1. Beer: Potbellies
2. Anorexic: Skeleton and bones
3. Relationships: To be in for the long haul. Making the steadfast decision to handle problems like adults, and to commit despite ups and downs. Therefore, choose carefully. Choose at your own risk
4. Texas: Cowboys (wait! It's Texas, isn't it? Or is it Mexico???)
5. Power Rangers: Yellow, pink, blue, green, and red. And the song which goes, Hoo Hoo Power Rangers!!!
5. Weed?: Drugs
7. Air Freshener: Lavender gardens
8. Smoking: Stinks
9. The President: Rambutan
10. Fish: Delicious, but I prefer it not fried
11. Cars: Ferrari
12. Gas Prices: Always on the rise
13. Halloween: Treat or trick, candles, witches, and pumpkins
14. Nipple Rings: OUCH!!! Can pull?
15. Sex: Ahhh~~~ *wriggle eyebrows*
16. MySpace: Not familiar with this networking webbie
17. Worst fear: Height
18. Marriage: 2 become 1
19. Paris Hilton: Nothing impressive
20. Brunettes: Dark, shiny, silky, and flowing hair
21. Redheads: Fashion colour clash
22. Politics: Boring seminars and courtrooms
23. Vodka: Alcohol (!!!)
24. Perfume/Colgone: Tommy Girl!!! (!!!)
25. Cell Phone: Waiting for the call or sms
26. Tongue Rings: Used to want to have one. How ridiculous
27. Led Zeppelin: An artiste who sings
28. Vanilla Ice cream: Like it! Second only to durian ice-cream
29. Best Friends: Never easy to find
30. High school: Fun, fun, and more fun! But even more of mugging
31. Pajamas: Nighties and quilt
32. Tube Socks: What's that?
33. Wet Socks: Clean out of the laundry
34. Alcohol: R-OH (where R is any alkyl group, and not a Benzene ring)
35. Saying I love you: Requires loads of sincerity. Without heartfelt sincerity, it's plain rubbish
36. Emo: Please grow up
37. Money: $
38. Headache: Cough
39. Wishes: Becomes reality if and only if hard work is put in
40. Babies: Cute, innocent, wide-eyed, tweeny fingers, little gurgles, cheeky chuckings, sweet giggles, sunshine smiles, pinky, and pudgy. My Fluoride.