LAMENT

LAMENT


Late this evening before heading out to Clarke Quay, while chatting online, E shared with me the grim news of his mother's condition. Lack of better things to say, my replies were mostly made up of, "Oh...", "Hmmm...", "Oic...".

It absolutely has nothing to do with indifference or lack of empathy. Rather, I hate to say things when I don't really mean it. Just like making apologies, I would rather die die also not say "Sorry", rather than to say it just for the sake of obligation while not really mean it 100% from the bottom of my heart.

The same principle applies to comforting words too. It's one thing to be tactful and straightforward, but it's totally another to sugarcoat things over and say niceties out of obligation.

To someone who presented a piece of shabby work that's obviously lacking of effort, I won't say, "WOW! That's fantastic! It looks good; and I'm sure you can do something even better the next time round!" when my heart thinks it's a piece of junk.
To someone who just had a failed relationship, I won't say "Ohhh... I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel sorry for the breakup." when I think relationships which are - in the first place - just not meant to be; then the earlier it ends, the better.
To someone who has failed a test due to pure laziness on his/her part, I won't say "Ahhh... Tough luck. I agree, the paper was a killer; but I'm sure you'll do better the next time round."

Similarly, to this friend whose mother is in a critical condition, I honestly know not what to say. I have a feeling he has had more than enough of comforting words from friends. I told him directly, "Honestly, I don't know what to say... But please feel better soon." He replied, "It's okay. Sometimes, silence is golden. It's the best."





I wonder, in a situation such as this, what is one supposed to say?
Don't worry? - If someone tells me these words when my own mother's in deep coma, I'll clobber that insensitive jerk up and skin him/her alive.
She'll get better? - Who am I? I'm not God. Who am I to dictate that she'll get better when I don't even have the power to determine what will happen to myself the very next second?
Don't brood too much? - If it's my own parent lying in the hospital, it'll be the only thing on my mind.
Don't be sad? - You dim wit. How can I not be sad?
It's ok? It'll be fine? - No, you jerk. It's my parent, and that's my parent lying in hospital in a bad shape, and it's NOT fine.

Although at times, in the course of consoling, it's inevitable to say soft and cheesy things because it'll make the receiver feel better; but the rigid me doesn't do so - because I would rather not speak anything, than to say things which I don't truly mean from my heart 100%. Words which are not spoken from the bottom of the heart are, in my personal opinion, superficial. And superficial words are pure rubbish, and a total waste of time. I would rather hear nothing, than to receive superficial words. Superficial words are just so patronizing and, not to mention, totally demeaning to friendships.





Coincidentally, E's birthday falls on the same day as PH's. While at TCC, I can't help but to lament - in irony - at how starkly different things are. Both are celebrating birthdays; but E, surely, must be feeling horrible.

Midway through our TCC dinner, I thought back of our online conversation a few hours ago. Guilt tugged at my heartstrings. Flicking open my mobile phone, I had the intention to send an SMS. I typed. Then erased. Then typed back again. Then erased again. What do I say? What should I say? Happy Birthday? Enjoy this special day of yours? Don't worry? Certain things we have no control over? There's a time and season for everything? Don't be sad? Jiayou?

I typed again. And erased again. And typed. And erased. In the end, after staring at the mobile phone screen for 15 agonising minutes, the SMS was not sent out. I decided to call instead, but got the voice mail.

I realized, I'm totally horrible at consoling people.





It makes me feel bad.