LAMENT

LAMENT


Late this evening before heading out to Clarke Quay, while chatting online, E shared with me the grim news of his mother's condition. Lack of better things to say, my replies were mostly made up of, "Oh...", "Hmmm...", "Oic...".

It absolutely has nothing to do with indifference or lack of empathy. Rather, I hate to say things when I don't really mean it. Just like making apologies, I would rather die die also not say "Sorry", rather than to say it just for the sake of obligation while not really mean it 100% from the bottom of my heart.

The same principle applies to comforting words too. It's one thing to be tactful and straightforward, but it's totally another to sugarcoat things over and say niceties out of obligation.

To someone who presented a piece of shabby work that's obviously lacking of effort, I won't say, "WOW! That's fantastic! It looks good; and I'm sure you can do something even better the next time round!" when my heart thinks it's a piece of junk.
To someone who just had a failed relationship, I won't say "Ohhh... I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel sorry for the breakup." when I think relationships which are - in the first place - just not meant to be; then the earlier it ends, the better.
To someone who has failed a test due to pure laziness on his/her part, I won't say "Ahhh... Tough luck. I agree, the paper was a killer; but I'm sure you'll do better the next time round."

Similarly, to this friend whose mother is in a critical condition, I honestly know not what to say. I have a feeling he has had more than enough of comforting words from friends. I told him directly, "Honestly, I don't know what to say... But please feel better soon." He replied, "It's okay. Sometimes, silence is golden. It's the best."





I wonder, in a situation such as this, what is one supposed to say?
Don't worry? - If someone tells me these words when my own mother's in deep coma, I'll clobber that insensitive jerk up and skin him/her alive.
She'll get better? - Who am I? I'm not God. Who am I to dictate that she'll get better when I don't even have the power to determine what will happen to myself the very next second?
Don't brood too much? - If it's my own parent lying in the hospital, it'll be the only thing on my mind.
Don't be sad? - You dim wit. How can I not be sad?
It's ok? It'll be fine? - No, you jerk. It's my parent, and that's my parent lying in hospital in a bad shape, and it's NOT fine.

Although at times, in the course of consoling, it's inevitable to say soft and cheesy things because it'll make the receiver feel better; but the rigid me doesn't do so - because I would rather not speak anything, than to say things which I don't truly mean from my heart 100%. Words which are not spoken from the bottom of the heart are, in my personal opinion, superficial. And superficial words are pure rubbish, and a total waste of time. I would rather hear nothing, than to receive superficial words. Superficial words are just so patronizing and, not to mention, totally demeaning to friendships.





Coincidentally, E's birthday falls on the same day as PH's. While at TCC, I can't help but to lament - in irony - at how starkly different things are. Both are celebrating birthdays; but E, surely, must be feeling horrible.

Midway through our TCC dinner, I thought back of our online conversation a few hours ago. Guilt tugged at my heartstrings. Flicking open my mobile phone, I had the intention to send an SMS. I typed. Then erased. Then typed back again. Then erased again. What do I say? What should I say? Happy Birthday? Enjoy this special day of yours? Don't worry? Certain things we have no control over? There's a time and season for everything? Don't be sad? Jiayou?

I typed again. And erased again. And typed. And erased. In the end, after staring at the mobile phone screen for 15 agonising minutes, the SMS was not sent out. I decided to call instead, but got the voice mail.

I realized, I'm totally horrible at consoling people.





It makes me feel bad.

GOT CA TEST ON TUESDAY


In mugging mode.

1) A mixture of CaO amd CaCO3 is analyzed. The thermogram shows one reaction between 500degree Celcius and 900degree Celcius, where the mass of the sample decreases from 125.3g to 95.4g. What is the percentage of CaCO3 in the sample?

2) Compound A has a molecular weight of 98.4g/mol and a heaf of fusion of 1.63kcal/mol. Compound B has a MW of 64.3g/mol and melts at approximately the same temperature as Compound A. Samples of 500mg of each yield DTA peak areas of 60 and 45cm squared respectively. What is the heat of fusion of Compound B?


Instrumental Analysis II. Siao.

You tell me, how to solve bombastic questions like those above-mentioned? You tell me, you tell me?!?!

OF DREAM AND TIME


Of late, dreams are beyond sweet. The other night, I dreamt of Big Daddy talking. Then, just the other day, I dreamt of undergoing LASIK (SO TEMPTING! Am financially able to get one now. But it'll be so unwise and risky; in the sense of living from mouth-to-foot for the months to come. SO TEMPTING! SO TEMPTING!!!). Last night, I dreamt of attending DBSK's concert (OHMYOHMYOHMY!!!). AND they noticed me from amongst the crowd, and TALKED to me after the concert ended, and ASKED for my contact information. AHHH!!! *going crazy! Siao liao siao liao siao liao!!!*

Ought to sleep more. I really like dreams these days. Who knows, maybe tonight, Andy Lau (so charismatic!), Kim Chi, Coffee Bun, Tiong Bahru Chwee Kueh, rice dumplings, and mushrooms (of all colours, sizes, kinds, and varieties) will appear in my dream.





Maybe it's fault of the lovely dreams, or maybe it's the holidays, but my biological clock is terribly messed up of late. Last night, I slept at 4am plus, and woke up at 7.45am for breakfast. As soon as breakfast was glupped down, I immediately missiled back to dreamland again; only to wake up at a ridiculous 1.30pm. Eat your hearts out, all you working adults and schooling students.

That aside, lately I've been wondering how good a steward(ess) am I of my time. How well am I investing my daily 24hours? Am I optimizing them? Am I making good use of the 1week of mid-term break? Save for last Friday and Saturday - when I had a fruitful and enjoyable time going for a movie and BBQ - I've been idling around like a sloth since Sunday.

The 1week of mid-term break has been great thus far. With the free time available on hand, I'm able to do things which are normally not possible during school days. Just this late afternoon at 3.30pm, I was folding laundry in the parents' room. After which, I went to the kitchen to help Dad with dinner preparations. And I was just thinking, how much longer would I be able to do such things which others often take for granted? On normal schooling days for this semester, the earliest I would reach home is 6pm. By this time, the laundry would have been folded, and dinner, cooked. To make things worse, due to hectic working schedule, my parents sleep really early at around 8pm. Of course, having tuitions to give on Monday and Thursday nights, and Saturdays being totally occupied, certainly do not help things.

How good a steward have I been of my time? Oh gosh, and I woke up at an embarrassing 1.30pm today! True, despite waking up this late, I still got the chance to fold the laundry and cook dinner. And it makes me glad, because I feel happy doing these things. Doing acts of service is heart-lifting. I feel happy being useful.

But it doesn't deny the fact that waking up at a shameful 1.30pm implies that an otherwise fruitful day has been half-wasted. Even though I still make good my day by being useful around the house, at times I feel like a massive, lumpy mass of adipose tissue. The brain, too, feels rusty.

Don't get me wrong; holidays are great. I've always a rather homey person. Rather than going out, I prefer to hide like a hermit crab, slurp a nice warm cup of coffee, take a nice refreshing break from the killer lecture notes, grab some nice books, do some nice reading and acquire new knowledge, or catch some short naps.

Going out? It requires money! I've long weaned off my parents. My only source of income is what I'm willing to work for my own keep; and there's only this much of tuition workload to take on without compromising my own studies (2 FULL HOURS of traveling from home to campus and vice versa! PUI!!!) and getting priorities all wrong. Go out? There are the monthly ILP premiums, bus concession, transportation, food, purchasing of books, shopping etc to pay for. The ILP premiums and bus concession alone already cost $200 per month! I would very much rather save whatever possible remaining surplus from MOE and tuition income for LASIK.

I would rather be at home, honestly. It's totally fine for me. Save money, and can spend time with family. I LIKE!

And if I really do go for PGDE in January next year, I'll apply for a hostel. If I really do get allocated one, chances are high that I'll only be at home only during the weekends. And just the thought of this forms a lump in my throat. How much longer would I be around the house? How much longer can I bond with my family, other than the weekends? How much longer can I fold the laundry? How much longer can I chat and bond with Dad while cooking dinner? How much longer would I get the luxury of enjoying home-cooked dinner? And knowing myself as one who is not bothered with personal meals, chances are I'll stock up loads of instant noodles and tidbits (more economical than eating out, you know?) in the hostel and munch on them when the stomach gets hungry enough. It's an old, irritating habit of mine to eat not because it's time to eat. I wonder how would I fare living on my own. Predictably, my parents would be cooking up a storm every weekend, would not fail to nag each week about how I'm appearing thinner and thinner (only, in their eyes), and stuff food down my throat like a rubbish bin. Oh man, I can visualize it all already. They did exactly these things when the elder brother went for NS.

Arrggghhh! If I really go for PGDE in January and get allocated a hostel, then, time is really short. It's already the end of September! How much longer would I be around at home? AND to think that I'm STILL sleeping until 1.30pm! OHMY! I've really got to start being a good steward of time! And what happened to the supposedly jog-once-per-week promise? Aish...

NOT A MOMENT'S HESITATION


Last Thursday night, after ending the usual tuition session, I dropped by the convenience store near my student's place. I have a CA test the next day. Reckoning that burning the midnight oil is something inevitable, I decided to purchase some snacks to keep me through the night.

The range of variety was not really fascinating. I was feeling unjustifiably robbed of choices when, out of the corner of my eyes, I SAW THESE PACKETS OF KOREAN! CRISPY! SEAWEED!!! BISCUIT! SNACK!. I was exhilarated. It's seaweed! It's crispy! AND it's Korean!


The price was really reasonable, too! To make it even more enticing, it was on a 20% discount! Gleefully thanking my lucky star and grabbing a Hot and Spicy flavoured packet, I made a beeline for the queue. The queue was long, and slow. I took a look at the time. I need to study...


Just there and then, out of old habit, I flipped to the back of the snack packet and read its expiry date. Then I checked the nutritional contents. Then I looked for the place of manufacture.

AND I GULPED.


No hesitation was needed. Without a moment's thought, I left the queue, went back to the shelves, and plonked the packet back to its original place.

Sigh!

Call me paranoid if you wish so; I don't really care. I'm the one who's ultimately responsible for my own health. And no! way! am I - while fully aware of the place of manufacture - going to pop into my mouth consumable products which are made in a country which is, very unfortunately, renowned for producing White Rabbit milk sweets tainted with formaldehyde and milk formulated powder containing melamine.

No wonder it was on discount lah! Chey!




--------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, on Friday, I nearly fainted in school. What a close shave! It was a dreadful experience.

The last time the headache occurred was last Sunday. While in the middle of the service sermon, the headache started to act up for no reason. I've this thing against Western medication. Deciding firmly that it shall be the last time that I rely on Paracetamol to numb this series of headache, I popped down one of the prescribed pills given by the campus doctor last Thurday. After lunch at the Airport, LT and I took the same bus home together. Maybe it was the drug; I was completely and utterly lethargic. I really tried very hard, but only lasted half an hour before falling asleep and totally conking out on the bus while cruising along TPE. I was a bad and boring company to have that day.

The following week after, the headache sort of mild down. And I thought that it's the end of it all! But on Friday, it came back all of a sudden. In full force, no less! I was on the train to campus, on my way to take the CA test, when my head started throbbing painfully again for the first time that week. No words could aptly describe the excruciating pain. It hurt so terribly; I regretted making that die-die-also-not-going-to-eat-Panadol-again-until-I-recover vow on Sunday, and regretted weaning off the medication so early after only 2 days. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, but I managed to complete the CA test - comprising 11 SUPER-LONG QUESTIONS on ORGANIC CHEMISTRY (SCREAMS!!!), all in the span of a grueling 1 and a half hours.

The paper ended at 4pm. As plans for a movie (Mamma Mia!) with some friends were already pre-arranged a few days ago, I popped by the Science Library with N to photocopy some reference materials in preparation for another test next week. Besides, it's the only chance to do it. Confirm-plus-guarantee-plus-chop I won't be in school during Recess Week.

After having photocopied what was needed, we were about to get out of the Photocopying Room when my brain suddenly threatened to shut down. My limbs started to refuse to corporate. I could hardly stand upright, and had to lean slightly on the photocopier machine for support. I was starting to see bright spots. The feeling was just so horrible. And, just like magic, my nose started leaking all of a sudden. This is all so strange! My nose has been perfectly well all week! Maybe the doctor was right, afterall. Everything is because of the stupid nose.
My body was icy cold, but I was breaking out in sweat. In the air-conditioned library, I broke out in sweat.

Using the photocopier machine as support by propping myself up on it by the elbows, I bent my head over slightly, hoping that this would encourage more blood flow to the brain (I know I know, squatting down would be more effective). In the bent position, the watery mucus was threatening to flow out. I sniffed it in repeated. After a few steps, N noticed that I was not following her. Looking back, she called out, "Eh? Aren't you leaving with me?"

At her voice, I snapped back up and turned to face her. "Yea, I'm coming." I replied. Turning back, I looked at my bag and files, and the thick reference book which was loaned from the RBR desk under my name. I felt a wave of despair; I felt so defeated. Move it, I commanded, move it. My arms felt like heavy lead.

Reluctantly, I picked up my stuffs. For fear of missing my step, I held on to the staircase railing. We got to the ground level where the exit is located. By then, I really want to sit down. Handing the library book to N and asking for her help to return it to the RBR counter, I told her to leave first; and that I would be spending time here in the library as I've arranged to meet some friends later at 7pm.

I easily found an empty study table, and was only too glad to plonk my stuffs onto the table. Crossing my arms and burying my head in them, I prayed silently in tongues and perspired like a giant slug.

Everything was so horrible. I was near tears. The throbbing head hurt terribly, the muscles were pricky and limb, the body refused to corporate, and the brain kept irritatingly threatening to shut down. It cost so much - both physically and mentally - to keep it all together. For a moment, I thought, allowing myself to faint would be a much more easier path to take. Burying my head deeper into the groove of my crossed arms, part of me wanted to cave in and cry. I nearly did. For just a split second, I really did. Just there and then, I wanted so badly for the medication. If only I had not wean them off so prematurely after only 2 days. If only I had taken the medication for a few more days. If only I didn't leave them at home this morning. If only I have them with me now. If only I have the ability to teleport them over from my house to where I am now.

I rested there for about half an hour. Still feeling somewhat feeble and queasy, I wondered what to do next. I thought of the past few days, trying to pinpoint what went wrong. Maybe it's because I only slept a few hours the night before, and had not eaten anything until now; and to add on, I'm still not fully recovered from the recent bout of poor health. Blood glucose, I decided, maybe it's blood glucose.

I contemplated the Science canteen. It's not far from the library. But I was having doubt of being able to reach the canteen in one piece. The last thing I want was to black out completely, and get carted off to the very-nearby NUH by helpful, enthusiastic strangers. It'll be so exagerrated and malu. But still, surely I can't hide out in the library for long; it's not a solution. If it's really indeed blood glucose, then food is the answer. Reaching into my bag and taking out my water bottle, I took a small sip. Chances, I decided. Just take the plunge. No pains, no gains.





Thank goodness, I reached the canteen.

I don't want to have a single headache ever again.
Let this bout be the first; and the last.

HELLO, RECESS WEEK!


One week of break!

MAMMA MIA!


I like musicals.

It's worth watching! Musicals are absolutely great!

FIRST THOUGHT THAT COMES TO MIND


1. Beer: Potbellies
2. Anorexic: Skeleton and bones
3. Relationships: To be in for the long haul. Making the steadfast decision to handle problems like adults, and to commit despite ups and downs. Therefore, choose carefully. Choose at your own risk
4. Texas: Cowboys (wait! It's Texas, isn't it? Or is it Mexico???)
5. Power Rangers: Yellow, pink, blue, green, and red. And the song which goes, Hoo Hoo Power Rangers!!!
5. Weed?: Drugs
7. Air Freshener: Lavender gardens
8. Smoking: Stinks
9. The President: Rambutan
10. Fish: Delicious, but I prefer it not fried
11. Cars: Ferrari
12. Gas Prices: Always on the rise
13. Halloween: Treat or trick, candles, witches, and pumpkins
14. Nipple Rings: OUCH!!! Can pull?
15. Sex: Ahhh~~~ *wriggle eyebrows*
16. MySpace: Not familiar with this networking webbie
17. Worst fear: Height
18. Marriage: 2 become 1
19. Paris Hilton: Nothing impressive
20. Brunettes: Dark, shiny, silky, and flowing hair
21. Redheads: Fashion colour clash
22. Politics: Boring seminars and courtrooms
23. Vodka: Alcohol (!!!)
24. Perfume/Colgone: Tommy Girl!!! (!!!)
25. Cell Phone: Waiting for the call or sms
26. Tongue Rings: Used to want to have one. How ridiculous
27. Led Zeppelin: An artiste who sings
28. Vanilla Ice cream: Like it! Second only to durian ice-cream
29. Best Friends: Never easy to find
30. High school: Fun, fun, and more fun! But even more of mugging
31. Pajamas: Nighties and quilt
32. Tube Socks: What's that?
33. Wet Socks: Clean out of the laundry
34. Alcohol: R-OH (where R is any alkyl group, and not a Benzene ring)
35. Saying I love you: Requires loads of sincerity. Without heartfelt sincerity, it's plain rubbish
36. Emo: Please grow up
37. Money: $
38. Headache: Cough
39. Wishes: Becomes reality if and only if hard work is put in
40. Babies: Cute, innocent, wide-eyed, tweeny fingers, little gurgles, cheeky chuckings, sweet giggles, sunshine smiles, pinky, and pudgy. My Fluoride.

DAMAGE CONTROL & RECOVERY


As a student, I spend only on the necessarily few, main areas every month - namely:

1) monthly premiums for ILP,
2) photocopying of reference materials in the campus Science Library,
3) purchasing of the monthly bus concession,
4) topping up of the ever-depleting Ez-link card for the occasional MRT rides (for the millionth time: ADULT FARES! SO EXORBITANT!), and
5) food.

Recreation and leisure? They don't really exist! I don't dine out in restaurants or go to a cinema every 4weeks!





Of late, I've been taking cabs; more so than usual. In fact, just last week alone, I took more cabs than I typically would in several months added together. Oh, crap! Should attempt to recoup it back by cutting down on food. It's the only viable area of expenditures possible to cut down on. Arghhh! Feeling so guilty, so guilty!

POST OF THANKS


Cough is gone, and so is the horrible, throbbing headache. I'm so glad! And of late, I've been hibernating like a bear preparing for winter. So, totally rested!


Anyway, last Tuesday morning, I was awakened by a phone call. It's from Mummy. Grrr!!! I hate it. She has a tendency to call me at 7.30am, when my lessons start at 10am! Today's no exception, and I was irritated.

"Girl, you awake liao not? What time you need to reach campus today?" She asked.

"10am lah." I replied groggily and impatiently. I'M SICK. MY HEAD AND THROAT ARE RIOTING AGAINST ME! AND I WANT GET AS MUCH SLEEP AS I CAN BEFORE GOING FOR LESSONS! AHHH!!!

"Oh, ok. Then you later wake up by yourself, ok?" She continued.

"Ya, ya. I know." I tsked.

"And... Happy Birthday." She said.


It woke me up. Something in me softened. Instantly, I felt embarrassing guilt. Hearing a Happy Birthday directly is totally different from seeing it written in birthday cards and SMSes. And my family is the traditional, Chinese family. Words and touch are not incorporated into our daily lives. From the very day I'm able to walk stably on my feet, I don't recall being patted on the head or being hugged ever since. And I don't remember being asked how my day has been, or who is/are my best friend(s) in school. Thus, at that very instant, I know how much it takes to say that simple words of Happy Birthday. I was touched; and instantly felt guilty for the lousy attitude earlier.


Lessons ended at 4pm as usual that day. Just when I was waiting for the bus home, a phone call for a dinner invitation came in. Thus, instead of going home to rest as planned, I ended up at Kuishin Bo Japanese Restaurant at Suntec City for a buffet dinner with a friend. We arrived at 6.30pm, and ate until 9.30am. I was bursting at the seams! The service was great, the food was wonderful; but above all, the company was awesome.

We left the restaurant at 9.30am, and adjourned to The Coffee Bean at Suntec City Level 1. I was nursing a horrible throat, and thus settled for a comfortable cup of Swedish Raspberry Tea. At 10.30pm, RY finally arrived; and together, he drove us down to the Kopitiam near my house for supper. I only reached home after 12am.


And lo and behold! When I entered my bedroom, this is what I saw on the laptop on the desk. Courtesy of Daddy.




And it made my day. Totally.






Anyway, of all the congratulatory SMSes, 2 of them particularly stand out due to its uniqueness and hilarity. One is from my Si Gui Lao Gong (no prizes for guessing correctly who), and the other is from Daddy.

I don't think they would mind if I post out the originial contents of the SMSes here in its totality, right?


"SI GUI LAO PO! HAPPY HAPPY **TH BIRTHDAY! hahaha i know you want it to be 8teen. may you enjoy today & receive lots of mushrooms & kimchis! HAHAHA. (: loveloves."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY today u are 22 months liao =) remember 22 months ago 2day ah ma born u at 1 or 2 pm ley.. Born a little girl girl now still a little girl girl. HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

These 2 SMSes; I can't help smiling while reading.
And Dad, I'm born at 1440hours, weighing a hefty 3110grams!



Anyway, last but not least:

Thanks for the book. I bet it'll be such a good read. The bad thing is, it's such a BIG distraction! I can only read it some weeks later, due to overloading school assignments! ARGGHHH! And thanks for the thumbdrive. It's what I need, and it really comes in handy! Even though I always says I'll get it on my own, I never did because my heart aches painfully from the $$$ involved; and thus, the purchase of a thumby always get procrastinated.

Thanks for the scrumptious dinner. The sushi and sashimi was wonderful; the tempura was awesome, the teppanyaki was mouth-watering, the Wagyu Beef and Dory was tender and fantastic; but honestly, it's the company that ultimately matters. It's not about the food, it's about the people. Okay, I just lied. It's still somewhat about the food. But then again, I can be dining in Ritz Carlton with Osama bin Laden, but would rather have bread crumbs and tap water in the company of yours.

Thanks for the unexpected "door gift" of bear and the bouquet of roses. The awesome wrapping totally floored me; and the colour combination is simply fantastic! I love it! The bright, sunshine colours make one brightens up totally. When you asked what would I be doing on that day, I replied that birthdays are just any other normal days. This is what I've always honestly thought. But I never expected you to take that simple MSN conversation to heart. Nevertheless, you made that Tuesday special.
And yes, you may be surprised by this, but I still remember that box of Ferrero Rocher years ago. You've done much. During the years of secondary school, we've certainly had our rough times. Mutual friends of ours certainly didn't make things better. In fact, they did more harm than good. There were times of misunderstanding, awkwardness, and avoidance. But throughout the many years since secondary school, I'm glad we came through, and have a friendship to speak of.

Thanks, also, for the 1month supply of Calbee Hot and Spicy potato chips, and Vitasoy Soya Milk. These food; I just can't resist!

Lastly, for the many other greetings, SMSes, calls, private messages and comments in Facebook, Friendster, MSN, and tagboard; thanks! And to those whom I've otherwise left out unintentionally, yes, thank you, too.

CHOICES


"Nobody can spoil a life, my dear. That's nonsense. Things happen, but we bob up."
- John Galsworthy, "The Forstye Saga"


Indeed, every decision is a matter of choice. Being defeated is only a temporary condition; giving up is what makes it permanent.

We choose to fight on, or to give up. We choose to battle on, or to throw in the towel. We choose to persevere on, or to back out. We choose to work things out like adults, or to shrink away from responsibilities. We choose to cling on, or to let go. We choose to believe, or to doubt.





At the end of the day, it all boils down to only one thing - choices.

SO, IT'S THE NOSE


Last Wednesday afternoon, my throat felt dry. I was coughing slightly. Nonetheless, I finished a BIG packet of tapioca chips. Later on the same night, my body started running a slight temperature of only 37.5oC. I attributed it to the untimely feast of tapioca chips.

The fever left the next morning; and I was somewhat relieved. But gone as the fever may be, I was still feeling queasy though. You know, the queasy feeling of not being in tip-top condition. By the following Monday, I totally lost my voice out of the blue. To make it worse, 2 days later - on this Wednesday - I started developing a massive headache.

For the first time in my life, I HAVE A HEADACHE! And it's SOOO unbearable. My head pounds and aches with each step I take, and each cough sends such sharp, intense pain that I thought my skull was splitting open.

The totally weird thing is, I'm not experiencing any raging fever. At most, it's just a recurrent, on-and-off, mild fever which never crosses the 38.5oC mark. Kind of irritating, really, because if it would just rise higher, I would have gone to the doctor for an MC.

And because it's just such a mild fever that keeps coming back persistently and irritatingly like a pest, I doubt the doctor would deem it serious enough to warrant an MC. Thus, armed with a throbbing headache, I had no choice but to force myself to school this morning to take a test. I'm seriously going to buang the paper. I was totally ill prepared for it; and each time I bend forward to scribble my answers on the test paper, my head protests violently. How to deduce the correct molecular structure by reading the NMR spectrum, IR spectra, and Mass Spectroscopy spectra when my head is screaming murder, and the brain, refusing to focus? DIE LA.


After the test, I headed off for the second lecture - Instrumental Analysis II - from 12pm to 2pm. I could hardly register whatever the lecturer was saying. Linear sweep voltammetry... Cyclic voltammetry... Limiting current... Faradic current... Negative scan... Positive scan... Scan rate... Cathodic current... Diffusion layer... What... The... Bananna...
The lecture ended at 1.45pm. While we were packing up our stuff to adjourn to the next lecture threater, ML joked and asked whether did I have a through-the-night mahjong session. "NO LA!" I replied, "In fact, I slept very early last night at 11.30pm. I didn't even really prepare for the test this morning!" It's true, I am practically a hibernating bear these past couple of days.

"Is it?" She was surprised, "But your eyes are so swollen! And the dark circles! You look like you didn't sleep last night!"

I paused, and thought for a moment. Okay, I feel horrible. But I have no idea, until this moment, that I look horrible as well. I thought of the next lecture from 2pm - 4pm. Oh, crap! It's level 3 ORGANIC REACTION MECHANISMS! Instrumental Analysis alone already killed me! Deciding that attending Organic Chemistry lecture at this current state of health would be a pure waste of time, I headed down to the campus health center for a medical consultation.

The waiting time wasn't long. I had my consultation within 15minutes of waiting.

"How may I help you?" The doctor asked.

"Well, I've been having a recurrent, mild fever since last Wednesday. On and off. Then I lost my voice on this Monday. On this Wednesday, I started having a massive headache." I babbled away.

"Got phelgm?" She asked, while jotting down and making notes of my medical symptoms.

"Nope, no phelgm. Dry cough."

"Does your throat feel dry or itchy?"

"Nope, not itchy."

I involuntarily let out a cough.

"The cough just now, is it due to irritable throat; or did the cough just naturally come by its' own?"

"By its' own."

"Got runny nose?"

"Nope," I replied. Just then, I remembered vaguely of sniffing my nose late at night while I slept, and experiencing the resultant CRAZY headache that left me coiling in pain. Needless to say, I have been making a conscious effort to resist the tempting urge to sniff my blocked nose since then. "Ehmmm... Just a bit." I amended, "Stuffed nose. But no mucus."

She took a wooden stick prod from her desktop. Shining the torchlight onto my mouth cavity, she asked me to "Ahhh..."

"Ahhh..."

"Ahhh again."

"AHHH..."

She took a stethoscope from her desk, and proceeded to listen to my airway passage.

Satisfied, she returned to her seat; and scruntized the medical notes she had made. She looked stumped. Alright, I admit - even to myself - this illness seems so weird. I'm not having a fever; so that definitely rules out any viral infection or bacterial infection. I'm not having a runny nose; so it rules out the common flu or influenza. BUT I'm having a persistent bad headche, a stubborn, recurrent mild fever, and a spate of bad cough. The symptoms don't make sense.

"Your headache," she probed, "does it hurt always? Even when you're doing nothing?"

"It hurts slightly while I'm walking or turning my head." I replied, "But each time I cough, the pain intensifies like anything."

"Ah..." She smiled, "this is because when we cough, pressure is actually created inside. That's why your headache worsens when you cough."

She looked back at the medical notes again.

"Do you have any respiratory problems? Asthma?"

"Nope."

"Then how about allergies? Or are you sensitive to anything?"

I pondered for a moment. "Nope, I don't have any known allergies." I replied, "But my nose is kind of sensitive to dust."

"Ah..." She smiled finally, as if she's found the missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle. "I suspect this illness could be brought about by your nose. Nasal drip. Could be your nose's sensitivity to dust that's affecting your throat. As you know, the ear, nose, and throat are linked to each other. Your cough and persistent slight fever could have been superimposed as a result of the nasal problem. But sometimes because the mucus is not much, patients at times fail to realize that it's actually caused by the nose."

"I'll prescribe some pills for you. Paracetamol (that is, the active ingredient in Panadol) to curb your headache and mild fever, and some pills to help your nose. And a cough syrup for your cough."





SO! AFTER DAYS OF MYSTERY, IT'S THE STUPID NOSE'S FAULT!





And now, I have 4 medications to take. And it's such a bother. One has to be taken once in the morning, the other has to be taken 4 times per 6hours, another one has to be taken twice per 12hours, and the last one has to be taken at precisely 5pm and 11pm.

Keeping to medical complicance can be such a headache! So many pills at different timings! How to keep track?!

YOYO


Sick. Has been recurrently sick since last Wed.

Hit the bottom and was having the onset of a fever last Wed night. Thankfully, the temperature subsided the next morning. Have been feeling queasy ever since. Initially thought the immune system might conquer the virus/infection/whatever-it-is after all; as the fever did not come back. But now, exactly a week later, I hit bottom again. Nursing a throbbing head; coupled with a raspy voice. The back of my throbbing head screams murder with each cough. And my hoarse, raspy voice is just so soothingly sexy.

Don't call me.

RED



After lesson ended at 4pm this Friday evening, Cindy and I attended a gathering dinner with 4 other poly-mates. As Frank studies in NTU - and with Kevin John currently living in the hostel in NTU - we had (no choice but to) meet at Jurong Point (BOON LAY!). Otherwise, Cindy, Stacey, and I would have insisted that they come down instead. It's 3 NUS at Buona Vista + 1 coming down from work at Kallang verses 2 NTU at Boon Lay; it's obvious which side will win. Muahahaha! =)

It's really nice; meeting a different batch of people whom you've not seen for about 2 years and doing some catching up. We dined, crapped, talked, and shared. We talked about life in campus, lecturers who we simply adore to death, and the lecturers who make us vomit blood. Compared delectable food, prices, and facilities between the 2 campuses. Reminisced the former good old days in TP. Updated each other about "who-and-who" and which former "golden couples" have broken up over the past couple of years. Gossiped and cleared our doubts about whether the suspected "who-and-who"s really did got together back then or were those just "scandalous rumours". Talked fondly about the funny TP lecturers who have endeared our hearts. Shared about who and who have gone aboard for further studies. And, of course, most importantly, we didn't forget to eat.

We ate at Billy Bombers. I ordered Billy's Roasted Chicken set meal (comes with MUSHROOM cream soup (OH MY GOODNESS!!! MUSHROOM CREAM SOUP!!!), a milkshake, Billy's Roasted Chicken as the main course, and a complimentary Ben and Jerry's ice-cream). Ee Lin and I order the roasted chicken set meal, while Frank, Cindy, and Stacey had fish fillet set meal. Even though my main course smelled absolutely wonderful when the waiter brought it over, even though the topping sauce was totally scrumptious and fantastic; but the meat... Ask me personally if you're interested. I'll tell you. All I can say here is, the supposedly spring chicken tasted like anything but.






After dinner, I was on my way home on NEL. Kevin John and Ee Lin had headed off for a movie at Jurong Point. Cindy, Stacey, and Frank all stay in the East; and thus, I was left to my own device. While stoning on the train, I caught sight of the reflection on the opposite glass planel.

WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WEARING RED TODAY?





We perfectly looked like a complete family of four! With matching outfits somemore!

RESPECT


It's a common affair in daily life to make decisions and choices, day in and day out. Some choices may be made out of fear, while others may be of obligations or responsibility or whatnots. But sometimes, decisions can also be made out of respect.

Recently, just a few months back - because we were heading to the same destination - a friend offered to give me a ride on his motorcycle, to which I rejected.

To set the record straight, it's not that I'm chicken; and neither do I equate motorbike riders to rotten men. I'm not proud to admit this, but I've riden pillion rather frequently in the past; which, rather regrettably, eventually ended up in quite an ugly scenario.

I was 17 that year; and was about 5months into a temp job after finishing my 'O's Level. As work ends pretty late on some days, a friend and I would go for supper or a late night movie, after which he would send me home. On his motorbike, of course. Whatever feelings we had were mutual; but we never really got around to being together officially. Although he's a lot more older than I am, we clicked easily. Age's not a problem.

It was on one such night. Work ended late as usual, and we had supper. Reaching home, I was surprised to find Dad still awake. Aren't you sleeping yet? I asked, you've got to work in a few hours time.

He didn't chew on his words, but asked pointedly did someone send me home on a motorcycle; to which I of course tried to worm my way out. Muttered something intelligible. Tried to create jokes. Changed the topic. Shifted his attention. And muttered more intelligible things. But alas! Fathers don't fall for such juvenile things. He demanded an answer to his question; to which, seeing no way out, I admitted reluctantly. Understandably, he was beyond furious. For once, he is the one losing his cool; with Mum standing quietly by the side and occassionally trying to calm him down. I've never really been much of a rebellious kid; but that is my first time having a big row with him. Our biggest conflict ever.

Love makes one blind, indeed.

Angrily, he asked whether am I seeing that guy; to which I replied somewhat uncertainly in the negative. He demanded me to stop seeing him. But we're working colleagues! I voiced out. Then don't ride on his bike! Don't ride pillion! Say NO if he offers to send you home! Dad demanded. It's only a bike, what! Why are you kicking up a fuss? I protested. It's very dangerous to ride pillion, ok?! You young, so you don't know! But many people have died from motorcycle accidents, ok?! Especially pillion riders, ok?! Pillion riders are often more gravely injured, ok?! Dad replied, his face red with anger. But everything is also dangerous, mah. Cross the road, also got chance of being knocked down, what! I countered defiantly. I TELL YOU! IT'S EITHER YOU STOP RIDING PILLION, OR QUIT YOUR JOB! Dad declared angrily. I recall this boiling anger somewhere in between my head and my abdomen; I was so angry that my eyes could combust. I love him to bits and pieces; and this is the first time I'm rebelling him, and being so angry at him. I can't remember what I replied, but I don't think I did, for fear that futher rebuttal on my part would be totally disrepectful and out of line. I crossed my arms, pouted, and turned away from him in quiet defiant; refusing to even look at him. Seeing no replies from me, he added for good measure, "YOU'D BETTER TAKE HEED! IF I CHANCE UPON YOU RIDING ON HIS BIKE AGAIN, I WON'T HESITATE TO GET OFF MY CAR AND BEAT HIM, EVEN IF IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! DON'T THINK I DON'T DARE TO! I REPEAT AGAIN, I REFUSE TO LET YOU RIDE PILLION! DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"You're so unreasonable." I hissed under my breath quietly but furiously; still stubbornly refusing to give a confirmation that I'll abide by his words. Without waiting for a reply, I scrowled angrily, stomped my feet, and bulldozed out of my room; huffing and puffing. I've never experienced anger of this intensity directed at him before; and just there and then, I thought: given a choice between the bike and him any day, I would choose the former anytime. Ahhh! The blind power of love.





So, when this friend was offering to drive us down to our destination, I found myself rejecting the offer. Even I was surprised. And I realized for the first time, that even till today, the fierce argument 5 years back has a more profound impact than I gave it credit for. Admittedly, I was initally tempted to say yes. After all, adult fare is really exorbitant for a full-time student, you know! "Why not?" He asked, "After all, we're going down to the same place."

"My parents won't like it." This is mainly true. Another small reason was I was not comfortable with the close physical contact; which was, of course, wisely not revealed.

"Aiya. It'll be fine. They won't find out. We won't see them anywhere on the road. It won't be so suay, so coincidental."

"Thanks, but... No thanks. I'll meet you later at the station?"

"So guai? You're scared of them? Or parents' pet?"

I paused, and pondered momentarily. I was confounded. For a moment, I could see the Devil's Advocate stomping its feet haughtily on my shoulder while poking its fiery fork at my face, jesting leeringly: "Ahah! Ahah! Parents' pet pet!".

"No." I replied decisively after a moment's thought. "It's not like this."





I realize, one of the most basic ways of showing respect, is to take someone's feelings into consideration. One of the most exalting ways of showing respect, is to ask for guidance, advices, or opinions, and taking heed of them when given. One of the most ultimate ways of showing respect, is to make a deliberate decision not out of anything, but purely out of respect itself.

BREATHING


"Just breathing isn't living!"

- Eleanor H. Porter, "Pollyanna"





Live; don't just breathe.



P.S. I like the contents of Pollyanna. Anyone have any idea where to get this series of children's literature, or if they're available in the local bookstores?


UPDATE: 2:41pm. Found it online in Times bookstore!

FINALLY, A REASON TO BE GLAD OVER THE FACT THAT...


I'm a heavy coffee drinker.


Click here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. And Here.