CORNY SCIENCE

CORNY SCIENCE


Got this gem from Facebook!

What does a chemist do when he sees a fire?
He calculates the heat of reaction and synthesizes a suitably endothermic reaction to put it out.

Two protons walk into a bar talking about a mutual friend.
Proton: Did you hear Electron 7 got thrown into another orbital and wasn't happy about it?
Proton 2: Yea, well. He's always been negative that way.

The Physicist, upon seeing all the waves, gets very excited and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Marine Biologist, aware of tremendous variety of marine life in the ocean, also gets very excited, and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Chemist pulls out her notebook, and writes "The Physicist and the Marine Biologist are soluble in water"

Q: While walking into a lab, how does one know which lab is it?
A: If it's green and wabbles - it's a biology lab.
If it stinks - it's a chemistry lab
And if it doesn't work - it's a physics lab...

Q: What happened to the molecular biologist who swallowed a beaker full of restriction endonucleases?
A: He came to a sticky end

Chemistry is killing me: anytime I do a Diels-Alder reaction, I think I'm diene.

Q: What did one lab rat say to the other?
A: "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control!

Hydrogen is such a whore, it'll bond to anything!
Helium is such a prude.

Scientist: "For my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrons have mass."
Non-scientist: "Neutrons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"

A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says "Sorry, the occupancy is 6.03 x 10^23. We cannot serve a mole."

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.

Two gases are talking to each other and they see another gas walk by. . .
gas 1: Man, that is the IDEAL gas!
gas 2: Eww, you pvnrt!

Q: Why does e^x hate going to parties?
A: Because no matter how hard he tries, he always fails to integrate

I wish I was Adenine so I can be paired with U! (Doro, bet you're able to get this joke!)

At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"

Do you have mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.

If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase...that way I could unzip your genes. (Doro! Haha.)

So I was talking to Heisenberg the other day and I asked him, "How’s it going?" and he said, "Not so good..."
I asked "Why not so good?" and he said "Well… It's the ladies.. I just can’t get any!"
I said "Why not? I mean you'd think the ladies would be swarming you with international fame and all."
His reply was "Well, they are, they are... It's just when I've got the time I haven't got the energy and when I've got the energy I haven’t got the time...."

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! My flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied: "It's just a phase you're going through".

Q: What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking?
A: In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

Geologists do IT on the ground.
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Chemists also do IT on a table, periodically.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Analytical Chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And super symmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.
Soil chemists do IT dirty.


My personal favourite?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!