YEARS

I was looking through my past entries the other day. Starting from the very post in 2005, I randomly clicked on the list of archives.

I laughed, winced, and cringed at my past silliness. Who was that? Is that me? Did I type all these things? What is all these silliness? Had these blog entries not been found under Je Ne Sais Quoi, I would have wondered who the author is. All these silliness! As I read, I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself. On a more pragmatic note though, deleting them would be a more ideal alternative.

It is so sorely tempting! It would be so nice! Everything would be fantastic! All sunshine and rainbows! ALL the entries would be insightful and eloquent and mind-boggling. Hear, hear!

For reasons I can't fathom though, something holds me back. Perhaps it's because all these entries - like it or not - were a real part of me. Perhaps it serves as a reminder of who I once were and how I now am. Perhaps, even, deleting these offending entries means that I'm ashamed of my past; of how I used to be. Whatever the case, I don't want to delete them.



I officially came in in late 2004. I was in the second year of study in TP then. The first time I came was during Easter, and I responded - only to immediately MIA for about 4months due to work commitments during the vacation period. I promised to come back when the new term starts, and I'm grateful that the people did not forget. As soon as term started, the calls came in.

My first ministry was in Nursery in 2005. Poly came and went. Before I knew it, I had already completed FYP and internship, and pretty soon I'll be graduating! I did not want to graduate. I did not want to just stop at a diploma. No matter what, I wanted to continue; but finance was a mightily huge problem. This began a frantic application to everywhere and anywhere. During that period of time, I was desperate; so much so that I had difficulty sleeping. In the end? He proved faithful. He IS faithful. He supplied all my needs. He gave me my desires. He gave me what I dared to believe for. Not only did I got a place to study in, the varsity education also did not cost a penny out of my pocket. The best part is, my allowance and maintainence was ensured. Sure. the sum was not generous, but at least, it is comfortable, and most importantly, it negated the necessity of juggling school and work.

In mid-2006, I joined First Hand. Underwent and completed the training as part of the 9th batch. People tend to bulge their eyes and express curiosity when they found out I'm in First Hand. The curiousity to know more is evident. Typical questions are like, "How is it like?", "How are the people?" etc. Let me tell you now, they're like you and I - normal. Perfectly normal. And they're some of the bravest and most genuine individuals I've come across.

I was glad to be in there. In the midst, a lot of personal things happened and built up. I finally couldn't cope, and stopped serving after a year in there. 3 months later, in November 2007, I left totally. Totally. Yes, I backslid. I'm not proud to say that, I wish to blot it out even, but it's true.

Another 6 months later in 2008, again in Easter, I came back for the first time again. It has been slightly more than a year now. Since then, I've stumbled and scraped some knees here and there. The things that caused me to left back then still come back and bother me once in a while. It's different this time though, because I'm different. Change is a continuous process. The me in 2005 and the me in 2009 is different. It took 4 years, but despite going on to 23 of age, I'm still not perfect nevertheless.

The things that bothered me back then still visits now. Certain things we have no control over, but like what someone told me recently, the only thing we can do is to pray for His will to come to pass - whatever it may be - because it is the best thing that can happen. It took 4 years, but you know what, this is the time of my life.

And I'm glad. Really. If only you can see me beaming now.