POWERLESS IN SOME ASPECTS OF LIFE


"And, oh ya," My friend concluded, wrapping up her summarization on the whereabouts and going-ons of our old secondary schoolmates, " X's dead."

"Sorry?"

We were at the hawker on Thursday night near Heartland Mall at Kovan, dining on Western food. I was about to deposit a small piece of fried fish into my mouth when the fork froze in midair. I had heard the last part, but as the environment of hawker center is not the most ideal of all places to hold a pristine-clear-audio conversation, I chose to give it the benefit of the doubt.

"X". She repeated. "You know who she was, right? The girl from one of the N.A. classes? A bit ah-lian-ish."

I nodded.

"Ya. She died."

I chewed on my food thoughtfully for a moment. "What happened? When did it occur?" I asked.

"She went clubbing late one night and in a drunken stupor, fell down a flight of stairs. On her way home, I think. And passed away. It has been about more than a year ago."

I swallowed my food. In an instant, the dark and ugly images of death, wooden coffin, funeral, ashes, and teary faces flashed through my mind in lightning speed before I could block them out mentally. X and I had never been acquainted personally, had never so much as exchanged "Hi" or "Bye" before, and we only know each other by appearance. We did not have any common cliques of friends, and were only schoolmates; not classmates or even CCA-mates. But, as always, hearing such news --- especially those concerning a demise --- never fail to make one's stomach lurch abruptly.

Friends and acquaintances all start from the exact same spot, the same origin, the same starting point. Primary school. Secondary school. Junior college. Polytechnic. CCA. Whatever. And now, everyone is walking their own walk of life; embarking on their own journey; and entering into new and different chapters of life. Traveling the road that is predestined, and to a certain extent, which they had decided for themselves.

All of the guys are now in NS, pining dearly for the ORD that, in their opinion, seems like eons away. As for the girls, some of them are studying in local universities. Some graduated from polytechnic and are already working; while some are about to graduate. Some had completed junior college and gone overboard for varsity education. Some quit junior college and went to polytechnic. Some had completed their ITE courses and are now in polytechnics, while some simply and completely dropped out of school. One good friend had an abortion the following year after completing our 'O's level, while two secondary school friends are married --- one of whom already has a 2-months old daughter. And yes, one schoolmate has been dead since last year.


Yes, life is really unpredictable.


Each person has an individualized journey in life. And at whichever point where different entities converge together for whatever particular reason(s), these transient friendships and acquaintanceships are only once; and maybe never again.

I wonder, if X had known that night of clubbing would rob her of her young life, would she have quit the nightlife and settled down nicely and quietly?




It seems that with the advancement of age, one becomes increasingly aware of one's own limitations; that there's only this much that one can do. And this applies not only to the physical or mental or emotional aspect.

As a child, everything is a piece of cake. Life is a breeze. You generally get what you want; except the occasional unhealthy treats of ice-cream or chocolate cookies or McDonalds. A child gets appeased and satisfied so easily. A child lives, and lets live. In simplicity, in innocence.

But as young adults and full-grown adults likewise learn: Sometimes, what you want or demand or yearn hungrily for or work so hard for, may not be what you get. And you have to learn to live with it, to make do with it and, if you would, improvise on it using your resources and capabilities before climbing on higher to the level which you want to attain.
After all, if you don't like the way circumstances are, then go all out and change them. If you can't, then change your mindset.

A person can only grow as much as his horizons allow? The only difference between the impossible and possible lies in a man's determination? If there's a will, there's a way?
Yes, all of these sound inspiring and motivating. But it's a tyrannical mandate that we not only face, but learn to accept, the harsh facts of reality whether we like it or not. Yes, this is vitally --- as well as essentially --- important.

I've always loathe to even think along this line; but it is completely undeniable that not everything is in the control of our hands. The death of loved ones, for one. This is the unspoken universal truth. Some things we simply have not even the slightest control over; and sometimes, what we want --- no matter how badly --- is not what we get.

This tiny fact of life really irks me in a strong way; and knowing that it is true --- with not even a tiny fraction of an element of falsehood lurking stealthily beneath the calm facade of truth --- makes me more disgruntled, resentful, and stubborn. It propels me forward blindly with unnecessary aggression coupled with flaming, blazing anger; making me even more geared up to fight back and challenge whichever individual or authority or whatever fact that opposes me, telling me of things otherwise; even if it's being carried out bearing good intentions.

But yet, whether defeat is acknowledged and conceded willingly or not, the fact remains unshaken. It still stands steadfast and impregnable. That we are totally and arrantly powerless to even alter certain things, no matter how desperately we want to.


Perhaps I'm too used to getting what I aim for and having things fitting nicely into personal plans without major hiccups or massive deviations. But still, I vehemently detest and strongly abhor this horrible feeling of helplessness.